Author: C'est moi~
Pairing: Jonghyun/Key [JongKey]
Rating: PG-13 [To be safe~]
w. 2,018 [Because this is the longest I've ever written, it deserves a word count]
A/N: I've been writing this for the past eternity. -_-" And I'm still not satisified with it. I would rewrite the whole story if I could but I won't, because I'm lazy like that. It's kind of choppy, but that's the way I sort of half-intended it to be, so yeah. And thank you xxtule17xx for helping me fix some of it. And for helping me finish it by today. :)♥
"Don't try to wake me up
Even if the Sun really does come out tomorrow.
Don't believe anything you say anymore in the morning."
Jonghyun first began hanging out with Kibum the summer before their senior year. At first he was embarrassed because, seriously, who wanted to be seen with the outcast of the school? The one that endured beatings from his peers everyday. Nobody wanted the pressure of trying to defend him, and surely nobody wanted to endure the pain with him.
It wasn’t that Jonghyun was shallow – though he was pretty popular – it was just that he was worried about losing his friends over something as trivial as being seen with Kim Kibum. And he was a loyal friend, right? So Jonghyun just politely nodded when ever Kibum waved at him – the fact that they seemed to check their mail at the same time almost every day didn’t help the matter – and tried to pretend that he didn’t hate living across the street and a few houses down from him.
Soon enough, these awkward greetings became visits and the daily visits became frequent sleepovers. Of course, these visits and sleepovers always occurred at Jonghyun’s house, because Kibum’s parents “absolutely despised visitors.” Jonghyun didn’t ask any questions even if he could tell he was being lied to. He never really could get anything out of Kibum that he didn’t want to say, and he let it be that way.
He found out all kinds of things about Kibum. Things like he played the guitar, he wrote his own lyrics (he’d filled about twenty journals already), and that he liked to keep logs of each day (which he also had journals for). He asked Kibum why, earning himself a shrug, and just left it alone. He also saw all kinds of behaviors from Kibum. He would act shy and then he’d have this huge burst of energy. Not to mention the time Jonghyun took him to the beach, he started flipping out and acting so childish. Jonghyun couldn’t help but think it was absolutely adorable.
Jonghyun got scared, however, when he and Kibum did something other than play video games in his bedroom – they didn’t go all the way, but they came pretty close. And after that they both considered each other special and Jonghyun didn’t know what he was going to do when school came around.
For several days, he was distracted by thoughts of the first day back to school. Was he supposed to just ignore Kibum? Or tell his friends they’d have to get used to seeing him around?
Naturally, when school came around Jonghyun freaked and pretended his relationship with Kibum was nonexistent. When Kibum waved, Jonghyun turned away. And he swore he could feel feline eyes boring into the back of his neck. He hated the guilt that came with it, but what was even worse was that every time he’d visit – even after he’d ignored Kibum – Kibum would smile as if nothing had happened. Jonghyun never said anything about it and Kibum never brought it up, so Jonghyun concluded that Kibum understood his predicament and decided not to question it.
It was still hard, nevertheless, when Kibum was pushed right in front of him, his head being banged into a locker or his lunch being smeared all over his face. Jonghyun hated it; he wanted to scream at the top of his lungs for them to stop, to tell them Kibum had feelings too. Yet, he stood there quietly while his group of friends laughed at how Kibum was tormented. It tore him up inside, but nobody could ever tell.
But what he hated the most was that Kibum would never complain. He never told anyone he never showed weakness, he never cried, and his smile never faltered. He knew Kibum knew that he could go to a teacher or the principal at any moment of the day and they’d have the problem fixed because he was a favorite among the staff and faculty. Still, he never questioned Kibum.
Soon enough, Jonghyun gained the courage to confront Kibum. But it wasn’t under the greatest circumstances. He’d snuck through his windows yet again – because that was the only way Kibum would let him come to his house – and saw Kibum’s parents, though, not in a way most people would meet their boyfriend’s parents. It was rather horrifying, actually. The sight of Kibum’s parents beating him. Slapping, kicking, punching, hitting him. And what amazed Jonghyun the most was that Kibum just laid there and tolerated it.
When Kibum’s parents left – they hadn’t noticed Jonghyun, thankfully – he timidly knocked on the window. Kibum had the most insubstantial look on his face. Jonghyun was afraid that if he’d knocked on the window any harder Kibum would break into pieces right then and there.
A few moments after Jonghyun had knocked, Kibum got up very slowly and headed to the bathroom. Jonghyun figured Kibum didn’t hear him and knocked louder, though he was too late because Kibum had already shut the door. Jonghyun began to panic. What if Kibum never came out? What if he was trying to commit suicide in there? What if he just sits there and waits until he rots? So Jonghyun decided to sit and wait.
About an hour and a half later, Kibum walked out. Jonghyun rapidly knocked on the window. Kibum seemed to cringe, but relaxed once he realized it was only Jonghyun. He waited for Kibum to get settled on his bed to begin talking. He was blunt with it, flat out telling him that he saw what had happened. Jonghyun expected him to cry, to ask him to take him away from this, to ask for help, but he didn’t expect to get a simple I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Jonghyun wanted to yell at Kibum. He wanted to shake him, to tell him to wake up and face what was happening to him. But after an hour of waiting for Kibum to actually do something, Jonghyun realized the time and had to leave.
It had been months since he’d last conversed with Kibum. Graduation was just around the corner and he didn’t really have time to check up on his boyfriend. Or whatever he was to him now – because it didn’t really seem like Kibum was anything to him. When he has time, he’s afraid to go because he doesn’t want to face the reality of Kibum’s parents, and he doesn’t want to hear Kibum deny the reality of them.
It isn’t until the night prior to graduation that Jonghyun gets the courage to speak to Kibum. He enters the same way – through the window – and Kibum is still acting like nothing is wrong in his life. Acting like it’s not true that Jonghyun hasn’t been around in about four months.
But Kibum’s acting slightly different in a way that Jonghyun can’t quite put his finger on. Jonghyun’s even more surprised when Kibum gives him a necklace he mentioned his grandmother gave him a few days before she passed away. He wants to ask Kibum so many questions right now but he’s afraid he won’t like the answers he’s given. So their conversation ends with an I’ll see you at graduation, right? and Kibum responds with a nonchalant nod. It leaves an unsettling feeling in Jonghyun’s stomach.
It’s windy at the commencement ceremony. Kibum’s favorite type of weather, Jonghyun thinks. And this prompts him to search for Kibum. He can’t find him, and somehow he anticipated this. And then he has this feeling in his heart like something’s about to go horribly wrong.
Unbeknownst to Jonghyun, Kibum’s on the rooftop getting ready to say his goodbyes to no one. The ceremony’s right next to the school. Yet, nobody can see him. Nobody can save him.
He’s dressed in his graduation gown, complete with his square academic cap. He looks over the edge, convincing himself that the drop will have a big enough impact. And then he waits, waits for his name to be called.
He chose this way to end his life because he believed that he deserved for it to be painful. He’d done so many things wrong in his life. He had to, right? Otherwise beatings wouldn’t be a part of his daily routine, because nobody would beat someone for no reason. That’s what Kibum believed.
He hears the announcer say Kim Jonghyun, and his stomach tightens. Probably the one regret he’ll ever have, falling in love with Jonghyun. Because he doesn’t regret not telling anyone about his parents nor telling anyone about the bullying. And he never wanted to actually. He believed they were good people at heart and just needed a push. But if it was how they expressed their emotions, then he was glad to be able to help. That was just his mindset. One of the things people probably would’ve liked about Kibum had they gotten to know him. But it was too late for all that thinking. This was what he needed to do, and he was doing it.
It seems like it’s taken forever and a day for them to call Kim Kibum. There’s silence. He can feel the tension in the air. They call his name again as his feet take place on the ledge. He plunges as soon as they call it a third time.
Nobody hears the thud that Kibum makes when he hits the ground. Nobody hears his bones shatter. Nobody hears the blood splatter. And if Kibum were still alive, he’d be glad because he wouldn’t want to be a burden and ruin the ceremony for the others.
The students and their overjoyed parents and relatives go into the school to give congratulatory hugs and wipe tears off of familiar faces. And if Kibum were still alive, he’d wait at the end of the hall for no one to give him a hug and wipe nobody’s tears but his own. While wiping his tears he’d wish his family was there and after wishing he’d start hating himself for wanted something more than what this world’s already given him. Some people don’t even have the privilege of graduating, he’d think to himself. And then he’d ask himself what he was complaining for, wipe his tears, and go home.
So it’s not until one graduate goes out the side door that the rest of the senior student body hears a piercing scream and Kibum’s dead body – or what’s left of it – is discovered. Almost everyone in the building tries rushing out at once, and that only creates more pandemonium. But Jonghyun’s the one that bolts out of the door as soon as he hears someone mumble something like Is that Kim Kibum? And he’s thrown into a state of taciturn as he sees the mess of Kibum’s remnants on the ground. The blood stained grass. That’s what his eyes land on. Because he can’t stand to look at anything else. He can’t stand to face the fact that Kibum’s dead. He can’t stand to face the fact that he’ll never see that beautiful face again. He’ll never see the heart-shaped lips on that beautiful face. He’ll never hear the raspy, charming voice that came out of the heart-shaped lips on that beautiful face. And he’ll never feel the thin, soft fingers entwined with his hands again. He’ll never hear the entrancing music that came from the guitar that was strummed with those thin, soft fingers that were entwined with his hands again. And he’ll never get that warm feeling that he got when he heard a soft Jjong escape from the boy’s lips.
Right before Jonghyun blacked out, he was fighting a war within himself. He was convincing himself that this was unavoidable. That this was going to happen whether he wanted it to or not, and better late than never. His most recent thoughts echoed throughout his head.
It was bound to happen. Right? What, with all the beatings from his peers, beatings from his parents, and neglect from everyone, even his own boyfriend, he was bound to go off the edge anyway. They all should’ve seen it coming. Right. It was bound to happen.
It was inevitable.